[Current Condition: Let Down]

It seems as though only days after he told me he loved me, I get disappointed. I think it is because I kept trying to convince myself that we would be more. To be lead on and then told you are nothing more than just a best-friend. Wow. That hurts so much. It’s such a horrible feeling being best-friends with someone that you love dearly.

I was sitting on top of the world. I would wear a permanent smile on my face. There was absolutely NO worries at all. For that brief moment I felt love. Now I am fortunate to have finally learned what real love was, but can I really say that was love or was that just a glimpse of what my life is missing? Was that just another sick joke. I swear I think I am cursed when it comes to love. I just don’t understand why it is so hard for me to find someone. I mean, I don’t think I look ugly. I am extremely self-conscience of my looks, so I try my hardest to look the best that I can everyday. I might look like I stepped out of a GQ magazine, but I aim to at least get a spread in your favorite fashion book. 

Why is it that I can write about love, and make it the best romantic novel ever, but in reality, love is my kryptonite? I always tend to hurt myself more and more when I think about it. I am getting to that point of desperation. I don’t wanna be old as the hills and still be alone. I don’t wanna die without leaving behind a legacy. I don’t want to die without experiencing love. I know that the clock is ticking, and I STILL haven’t had the opportunity to seal the deal. I still haven’t done the things couples do. I’m almost as pure as they come, despite popular belief. I just want to love someone that loves me back. I want a reason to smile in the morning, and not wonder why me? Why is that so hard to ask? I pray and pray and pray — and NOTHING! I search and search and search, and — NOTHING! So. I stop looking, but now I’m getting impatient wondering why is it taking so long for me to find someone. I’m getting to the point that it will never happen. After awhile I’m just gonna say — FUCK IT! I’LL JUST BE ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, AND FACE THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE!