[Current Condition: The Razorblade]

Well now, here I am tonight typing away at yet ANOTHER post. I always write these things when I am at my worst. I guess I don’t have much purpose to write until I am saddened. Anyway, today has been a rather depressing day, as I have dealt with family issues, and friendship issues. 

Today it seems as though the man I have grown to love and adore, is being more difficult than I originally bargained for. He is a hard one to crack now isn’t he? He is an interesting fellow indeed, but I keep getting cut off :(. So bothersome. I’ve been trying to get closer to him, but for some reason he has put up this invisible wall, and refuses to let anyone in. Idk why it’s so hard for him to just let someone in. Why is it hard for men period to let someone in? Normally when someone cares so much about you, you value that, and you hold on to that. He has told me several times, that I am “rare”. I responded by telling him, that if I’m rare, then he should hold on to me. I mean, that is what you do when you find something rare right? You don’t give it away, or let someone take it do you? I mean, I wouldn’t. I guess we’re not as similar as I thought. I don’t know what he is doing, but I think I am going through an evaluation phase with him, like he is taking time to analyze me, and push me to my brink, where I start to lose patience. Such a wonderful man, that I have EVERYTHING in common with, but there is a growing frustration where I want to get closer with him, and he is pushing me away everytime I try. I get nervous when I talk to him, because I always feel like I am bothering him, or annoying him. It’s like I can see him in my mind’s eye, looking at his phone is disgust, and saying, “ugh! why don’t you leave me alone”. Of course that could be my own mind playing tricks on me, but yeah…I guess I just get like that from time to time. I think it has a lot to do with how people have treated me in the past, to the point that I can never really expect anything to go the way that I plan them to go. Idk, I always feel as though I end up saying the wrong thing, when he takes a long time to respond, that I often times, apologize for speaking my mind, for fear of messing up a good thing. Ugh! I’m such a woman. I’m complicated as fuck!

On another note, there is this other person who completely pissed me off tonight for the first time! IDK, I just HATE being used as sex toy. Like there is nothing more to me than just a penis. That is pretty fucking disrespectful, and rude. I mean, I can’t believe I was so oblivious to this before, but I finally thought about it today and it dawned to me, wait…does he even know my favorite color? Does he even know my birthday? Those simple things should come as basic q&a. Why don’t gay men ever think of these things? Are all gay men the same? Do all of them just think of fucking and don’t give a damn about your personality? What happened to morals? I mean I swear I say this all the damn time, but it is sooo true! I think the majority of gay men these days, just don’t give a fuck! They just wanna fuck and get their dick sucked. Well, I’m sorry but I am not the one. I am a person that loves an intellectual conversation. I am a person that likes to sit down and get to know someone. I am not a shallow person that only cares about what a person looks like, while that is a plus in my book, but not always necessary. IDK, he just really pissed me off, and I am subject to cut him off from contact completely!

This has been one of those nights that I wish didn’t happen. It’s just been a hellish night for me. I do not want a repeat of tonight. :(