[CURRENT CONDITION: FROZEN]

Wow. Here I was thinking that my friendship with her would be forever, and she would be there for my wedding and everything, but I guess I have nothing to say. I am so lost for words. I figured out why I always hated falling in love, because while the other person was happy, it always seemed like I sacrificed something in order to be happy. Why does love work that way? WHY?! Why is it that I have to get rid of my BEST-FRIEND in order to be with someone? If someone was to look at me right now, I would look like I was comatosed. Right now, I feel like a piece of me has been ripped from my soul. Not my heart, because she was deeper embedded. Yes, I have other "friends", but to be honest, they have done SHIT! They never call, they don't talk to me when I'm sick, they don't know the right words to say when I'm depressed and stressed, they don't know the secrets that only she knows, they don't know my everyday grieve, my pain, the addiction, the constant battle with suicide, nor how to deal with someone who can ONLY think of negative shit, and nothing positive. They don't know how to deal with that. I trust that Amanda knows how to, because if she doesn't this will not work at all.

Pam has stated, she honestly doesn't think Amanda knows how to handle me, because I'm pretty fragile, and my emotions, play a huge role in my character. They determine the sole outcome of friendships and relationships. Every word is taken into hi regard. So, now that I basically am alone ONCE AGAIN; what do I do? Do I put all my trust in this one girl, whom I'm not sure can stand the test? Have I made the most horrible mistake of my life? I have to be honest here and say, I am crying oceans because of the outcome of this situation. Something tells me, even with doing something I never thought I would do for ANYONE, will STILL not be enough to fix this relationship. I think this is just another shade of grey that will soon fade to black. Time to open another chapter of "THE 13 SHADES OF GREY". The depression, stress, suicidal thoughts, have only resurfaced. Can she handle it? I think not. What do YOU think?

If there is a God, then why do we live the way we do? And why do I cry the way I do, when I cry about you? My heart has been ripped out, by you, torn to shreds, by you,
into 10,000 pieces, by you, then thrown and scattered throughout the land and sea; And now I have nowhere to be, there is nothing for me, no reason to live, no reason to breath, no reason to be.