[CURRENT CONDITION: READY TO GO]

I'm typing this as I stare at my multiple medications for depression - Lexapro, Zoloft, Citalopram, and etc. I just took about two of St. John's Wort (Over-The-Counter Anti-Depressant). It seems as though my depression is only getting worse. I have been going to the therapist, but now I think there is more power behind these suicidal thoughts, and I don't think it's just words this time. I've just about taken one of each of these anti-depressants, which I will probably pay for later in the day, but if you ask me - I'm ready. Ready for what? I am ready to go home. If I see light flashing, that could mean that I am coming home.

Let's rewind for a minute. Why do I feel this way, and why am I sitting here with the anti-depressants. I think girls fuck up my health. Seriously. Everytime I get involved with a woman, something happens with my health for the worse. My best-friend; Pam. You all know who she is; While I love her to death (as a best-friend should), I have to say, I am fucking up my health so much with her and helping her deal with her problems. I end up fixing her issues, but then it builds ontop of my own. She's happy once again, and then I am left hurting once again. Everytime she leaves and says nothing, it grows fear inside of me that I might just lose her forever. She might have promised me, but I don't trust promises. This world is full of broken promises, and no one I know has ever been able to keep a promise. Everytime she does that, or I sense she is upset at me, it feels like I am going to have an anxiety attack, and most of the time I do end up having one.

I would have to say that, when you think about how one would die, I'd say: self-inflicted pain, torture, psychological unbalance, and let's not forget suicide.

So I guess I'm asking what do I do now? Aside from her, my girlfriend - Amanda is one that Pam hates, and I would have to say all for good reason, but I am willing to try once again, and I am guessing that Pam doesn't like that at all. She feels it's an act of desperation. Is it? I'm uncertain.

Amanda is one that brings forth so many issues as well. I love her a lot, but I can only take so much till I blow up. You could call me Contents Under Pressure the way I am right now. I've said I was done, and I think about it, and say..."What are the benefits of dying now." I was born alone, and that's how I'll die.