When you’re depressed you can’t access feelings of self-love. And since the love you feel for others is a reflection of the love you feel for yourself, this is why you feel disconnected. You have an intellectual understanding of the love you have for your girlfriend/mother/sister/boyfriend but you can’t feel it as much as you normally do.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E Cummings

I loved learning and was a natural student. It was my bliss and often a respite from tumultuous home circumstances, the first place that I spoke out loud with confidence. Unfortunately, in the urban neighborhood where I lived, being smart meant being very low on the social hierarchy. For years, I was oblivious to this, but as I moved in to pre-adolescence, I became acutely aware of how my peers viewed me and felt increasingly embarrassed about standing out as a stellar student. Because of an intense desire to win the approval of my peers, I began to actively make decisions to fit in rather than finding my joy by expressing who I really was. Although uncanny to me now, at times, I even would intentionally give the wrong answers on exams to bring my scores down.

Let me tell you about the crazy shit I did.

I stayed up until 3 AM waiting on him.

Couldn’t wait to hear his voice.

Couldn’t wait to read his text.

And even though I received neither, his image was embedded in my head.

You could say I was in love, or lust - whatever you may call it.

Whatever it was, I just couldn’t get enough of it.

Everything seemed so good from the start.

Our conversations were perfect!

I thought that everything was working, but I guess that’s what I get for assuming.

I knew from the start that I was in above my head.

Instead of moving on, I found the courage to talk to him instead.

His smile lit up my world to the point of obsession.

Every thought was about him, and nothing else even mattered.

I was crazy. Crazy for him.

I was in love. In love with him.

And when I didn’t hear from him, it felt like I was underwater, struggling to swim.

I still think of him, even more than he might suppose.

I still keep hope that something will fester, even though I really know the book has been closed.

Although he may speak, talk is cheap.

They say actions speak louder than words.

With no action attached, there’s no use holding on to a love never secured.

[Current Condition: Hoping You’ll Fall In Love With Me]

Well, I noticed that my freaky side has showed himself to “Khris”. It’s funny because every time I want to hate him, I just keep coming right back to him.

Last night,  marked the beginning of a very dark period in my life. I ended up in a very suicidal state. I was just so lonely, and so stressed out because of the events of life, and I took a couple of pills to ease the pain. I was so frustrated that no one was there for me when I needed them the most :(. I felt betrayed. I felt used. I felt as though it wasn’t fair.

I talked to Khris, and he explained that he did try to help me, but I was so frustrated with him that I didn’t even care to realize that he was actually taking time to help. We ended up talking today, and he spent the whole day talking to me. We got a little flirty with each other, and he once again said he loved me. IDK. Every time he says that to me, a part of me just melts. Yum! It had me imagining about him in a very “naughty” way. Ehehe. As I type this, the image entered my mind again. WAAAH! *blushes* Okay that’s it! I’m leaving now! Night Night people!

Your happiness is a gift that sends a ripple of joy endlessly out. It is your deposit of aliveness into the collective experience of life. Your life is what you have to offer; when your life is full and vibrant, you give that energy to every other living thing. Joy brings out the best in you. It naturally brings out your generosity and creativity. Your genius comes forth and you have the energy to apply it. Your happiness is worth your time, and it’s more powerful than you realize. It impacts everyone in your life. Also, your joyful interactions set an example for how we might share the planet in peace.

Your happiness feeds your relationships, your work, your health, and every other part of your life. And your happiness is fed by every part of your life. That means that you can’t sacrifice one thing that is important to you at the expense of another and you don’t have to. It will all work together.