[CURRENT CONDITION: ENVY]

Seems as though Envy has creeped it's ugly head in my life again. I always tend to think about this - more than I would like to. Sometimes when I'm alone in my room, my mind starts to race, and I start thinking of the successes and the future of my friends' - and then I look at mine. What have I accomplished in which I can smile at? Okay, maybe it is a lot, but they all have something I don't - A family. Let me elaborate on that, A family of their OWN. I feel as though, none of them deserve it. I should've been the first one to pave the way for them. I know all about parenting. It's all I would think about when I was in school. I used to make up baby names, and I even had a book of parenting techniques. Yeah, I was crazy. But it goes back to saying - I HATE BEING LAST! Just once I wanted to be the first of my friends to do something. Just once I wanted to be the one that everyone looks at and is impressed, but there is nothing there to be impressed about - at least right now. Often times when I think about it, I'd get very emotional because i'm so passionate about it. I think this is a reason why I love kids so much. I love them because it's excellent practice to become a father. I have been so observant of fathers lately, because I want to be the best father for my kids (when I do get them). I have it all planned out and I assure you it will go my way! There is no other alternative. I have gained the wisdom to know what to do and what not to do. Now I just need the woman I can share a life with, and a woman I think would be the perfect mother for my children. If she doesn't possess those qualities, than I am just wasting my time. Glad enough, I think I have found this woman. I just hope that this feeling that I feel isn't temporary.

SIDE NOTE: THIS THOUGHT HAS SPARKED A RETURN TO MY ACTING PROJECT - "LETTERS TO IMAD" - THIS WILL BE A MINI-SERIES IN CURRENT DEVELOPMENT ON MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL? WHO IS IMAD? WELL, HE'S MY SON. CONFUSED? YOU WON'T BE.