[Current Condition: The Tears Still Flow]

I haven't blogged in a while now, but I felt it necessary to do so this time. I have been so stressed out these past couple of months because things have been so frustrating, and the Devil has just been kicking my ass in more ways than one. It's like everytime I take one step forward, I take two steps back. I've been trying to look to spiritual answers, but it's just not working for me at the time. For the last couple of weeks, I have been studying the Busshist religion, and while I am loving that; I'm still feeling depressed. I just wish that I didn't have to be so dependable. There are things that I would love to accomplish, and it's sad because I always had such a vision of how I wanted things to end up for me, but it seems everyday I wake, it becomes that much more difficult to attain. I know they say money can't buy happiness, but honestly, I'd beg to differ. When I had that certain amount of money I had inherited, I was like Kanye West, you couldn't tell me anything. I was happy, and I had no need for stress, depression, or suicidal thoughts. I was able to carry-out things that I was never able to do. I was able to get the things that I needed to acquire that positive outcome I longed too much, but like everything; it diminished. It is so unsatisfying, and yet...here I am, wishing that I could get back to the happiness. I hate relying on others to get things done. I hate it soooo much. I want to be able to do these things on my own. I want to be able to be happy, and say I DID THAT! NO ONE HELPED ME TO GET IT! It makes me wonder, will I EVER get to the point in my life where I don't have to rely on others to get what I want? It seems as though money is the ONLY thing that makes me happy. Anything else is just like, eh...okay. I think it comes from not having much, and not having the money to get it. And then when I don't have the money to get it, I go back to the past when I didn't have it, and then I rewind back in time to the guy that wanted it all to end. I don't want to be that guy. I want to be that guy that is happy, and doesn't have to worry about do I have enough money to do something, or if I can afford to hang out with my friends. This saddens me like nobodies business. Spirituality doesn't have the answers for me. I was thinking about calling my old therapist and going BACK to him, to help me think of something to do, but I don't want to seem as though, I will NEVER be okay. That is the problem I am facing. I don't know anymore. I'm so lost, and tears are creating a permanent tattoo on my face :(