[Current Condition: Why Am I This Way?]

These last couple of days have been more up and down than I could even imagine. Relationship issues, Finance issues, Family issues, Sexual Orientation Frustrations, and all of this is really starting to take it's toll on me. I have turned into MADD HATTER - ATTITUDE 2.0. How do I explain it? I think Drake said it best when he said, "I just wanna be successful". I would listen to that song repeatedly and just think about how those words are so true to what I am going through right now. It seems as though, the more I age, the more problems I acquire. The more I age, the more stressed, depressed, and suicidal I become. It makes me wonder, will I make it to the age 30? I'm starting to get those thoughts again that I just can't make it. It's not enough to be on webcam telling people what's going on, or talking to my friends on the net. It doesn't work. It doesn't help to go to the therapist and take pills and all of that. Been there, done that, and none of it does a damn thing. I have come to the conclusion that nothing is going to work. I've tried being positive, and when I do stay positive, a negative comes in the way and deters me from all that was good.

THE RELATIONSHIP: My relationship status is almost as complicated as Kirstie Alley's weight. It's just so fucking bi-polar. One minute it makes me happy, One minute it makes me sad, Another minute it makes me angry, And another it makes me want to shoot someone. I honestly can say, I am too difficult to work with. I expect too much, and like my grandma has stated, I'm too demanding and want everything my way, and I know, I can't do that, but it will forever be a struggle for me. I jsut wish I could find a girl that could understand that, but I'm afraid she doesn't exist.

THE FINANCES: UGH! I think this one is a bit personal...I'll skip this one...

THE FAMILY: Now, my family is also very unpredictable. They will talk about me like a slave, and the next they will comfort me throughout ANYTHING. Recently I've overheard some things that have honestly made me want to ball out and cry. Everyone knows how emotional I am. It's just that that has taken it's course as well.

THE SEXUAL ORIENTATION: I often try and stay away from this topic, but recently I am beginning to learn more and more about where I stand in this, and I haven't yet figured this out just yet, nor how I want to address this, but I have been talking to some fellow friends of the GLBT community, searching for answers, and I think I might be getting closer and closer to determining if I am gay, bi, or straight. Now you may say, oh I could answer that for you - you're bi; but it's a little more complicated than that. I MIGHT speak more on this as we progress through time.