[Current Condition: Regaining Sanity]

Over the years, it really looks as though I have changed for the better. I remember blogging years back (yeah I have been blogging about my life for about 8 years now) about how depressed I was, and how much I wanted to commit suicide, and how lonely I was. Well, I still blog about loneliness. Hey! I can’t change all of me right? Anyway, that brings me to tonight’s blog. After having such an infatuation for this girl I met on Stickam, and talking to her for a while, I have REALLY pushed myself closer and closer to her, which is always a dangerous act on my part. We all know how this will end don’t we? Well, you guessed it. ACCESS DENIED! Nothing else to say there. I’m so used to it really. It makes me think if I’ll ever meet that one girl that was put on this earth FOR ME and no one else. I hear people say, “This is my soul-mate.” and it makes me think if my soul is tarnished, or is it hollow, or shattered. Yeah, yeah, I’m only 23 - I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe you’re wrong. Maybe I don’t have my whole life ahead of me. What if I die lonely? What happens then?

I don’t think people understand how passionate I am about love and feeling wanted and needed by someone other than just family. I love the comfort. I love to hear those words, “I love you baby.” I love to hear, “I missed you.” The simple things in life. I think people think of me as someone that can get a girl easy because of the career I am in - Modeling/Acting/Radio DJ. They have no idea how wrong they are. Most of my modeling photoshoots are alone, and not with a woman. Most of my acting projects, consists of women that are much older than me, or either married. Most of the events I dj for, I am in the booth all the damn time, how the hell am I gonna get a girl when I’m in the dj booth, away from the dance floor? Come on people. I have confidence, but when you think about it, why should I when I know the outcome of the approach. It’s easy to put all women into a box to be honest. Majority of women like a thug, a guy that is muscular, a guy that makes them feel secure, a guy with a rock solid physique. *shakes head* One look at me, and you’ll quickly find out that I don’t have ANY of those characteristics. When it comes to guys like that I feel like a chihuahua trying to win against a pitbull and a doverman. It’s not happening.

I don’t think people understand to what degree do I believe in a lonely future. At this rate, I honestly believe that there is no one for me, and I will live alone, and if I DO get kids, they will NOT be biological children, they will be adopted, and I will raise them myself as a single father. I’ve said that same thing for over 10 years, and I STILL believe it. When I tell people that, they say, “That’s crazy Stop being so negative.” They have no idea how long and hard i’ve tried to stay positive about this situation. At the end of the day you just submit to failure after trying day after day after day and getting no results.

I’ve come to accept my loneliness, and prepare for the task that lies ahead - Single parenthood. Raising two daughters by myself. You may ask why two little girls. Well, to be honest…the thought of having a son scares the living hell out of me. Understand this, I’ve been raised by nothing but women. I can honestly say, I don’t know how to be a man. The lifestyle of women is all I know. I haven’t had not 1 father figure in my life. I couldn’t tell you anything about sports, nor play them. I couldn’t tell you the first thing about a car. The make of a car and getting underneath the hood is a foreign language to me. I would lift up the hood of a car and it would feel like a 2 year old trying to read and understand a Harvard University Math Text Book. With that being said, having a son would be the craziest challenge of my life. How would I accomplish something I know NOTHING about? While, as I have a baby girl. That girl would be the best damn girl on the planet because I know how the girl is supposed to be, and what is to occur, and how to prepare for female issues. Are you understanding now? I just wish I could start life over again knowing everything that I know now. I would be such a better person. I would have someone right now. And this blog would never exist.